Hard candy

Growing up church on Sunday morning was a requirement. My dad is a preacher and my mom is very involved in the church too. Don’t frown! As kids my sister and I like church. Our friends were there. Although we would eat breakfast we would inevitably get hungry before church was over. This hunger would prompt us to ask our mom for something to eat. And as the prepared mother that she was, she would give us a piece of hard candy. On a good day it was a peppermint. Never gum. Too many times this candy was something hard and yucky. I don’t know what that blue stuff was. That candy kept us quiet and gave us something to focus on while giving us the strength to stay awake. Right now I am a bit hungry. I am definitely annoyed, and well a piece of that rock hard candy would be good to have now.

Right now “Encourage Yourself” by The Tri-City Singers is playing. Today is definitely one of those days. A friend had to remind me to now allow someone else to control the way I feel. Simply no one should have power of my life. Let me be clear, God does have that power, and yes I do get happier or sadder when others do things to/for me. However, the actions by people should not control how I feel. I am not sure how clear I was, but keep reading it and it will sink in…hopefully.

I love the fresh snow. I do wish that it was more. Yeah I am a big kid that way. I always want it to be so much that everything gets shut down. But at the end of the day I do recognize that there are folks who have to get out so for their safety I am glad that it was not too bad.

So with that in mind, just know that but for the grace of God it could have been me without and in need. His grace is truly sufficient!

"For by grace you have been saved, through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest any man should boast". (Eph 2:8,9).

Ergo...

I could win an ergo, so click here Win a Free Organic Embroidered Ergo Baby Carrier Hands Free System from Along for the Ride

I think I did that right, if not oh well. So what's going on? The weekend is upon us and I am so happy about that. Did you do anything for Black History Month? I didn't. I was listening to the radio and I heard that Nike issue a special limited edition sneaker. They are actually, cute. I am glad that they are not for sale. They are just to commemorate the month and the strides that African Americans have made. I am glad that they aren't for sale. When the conversation initially started, I was looking at the radio with the crooked eye!

Well have a good weekend!

The elephant in the room

The elephant in the room that no one likes to talk about is always weight. Wait, it s not my weight as in pounds, but rather the weight from all of the stress and pressure that I seem to be under. At times the pressure seems to have an incredible hold over me. It’s like it’s suffocating me. Not, physically, but definitely consuming my thoughts. Right now I am stressed about my home life.

It continues to baffle me how someone so smart could make such a huge mistake. I am trying to figure out how to fix it. It was never just about me, but that is true now even more so. So I am trying to figure out what to do. I cannot recall speaking much about my faith on here. The fact that I cannot remember tells me that I probably have downplayed it too much. The fact of the matter is my faith, its teachings, and my spiritual life overall is very important to me.

Are you wondering what this has to do with the elephant? Well I believe that God will give me guidance and strength to make it through. Like Job I must have patience, like Mary and Mary Magdalene I must continue to seek the Lord and in return I do believe that I will find peace. I do acknowledge that much of what I am going through is my own fault. It is the direct result of leaning to my own understanding. Yes I know that I must do my part and asking for forgiveness must be sincere and I must forgive those who have trespassed against me. That is no easy challenge.

As a human it is easy to hold on to what was done. I am not one to play the victim role, but in an effort to not be the victim again too many times I recall the pass. But I have to really let it go. I simply can not hold it and move forward. It is just too heavy. So like John P. Kee sings, “I Do Worship” for His goodness and mercy….



I know everyone is not going to appreciate this entry, but you should know, I don’t write for others. The journal is my cathartic release. It is similar to the reason why I sing. I love singing, but am horrible at it. But it does allow me express my emotion without combusting.

John 4:21,23 True worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks."

Priority Mail

I have somehow managed to enter a financial rut. Simply put my funds are barely making it. This weekend I was out of gas. On Wednesday I told him that I had less than a ¼ tank and no money. My gas light has only been on a couple of times ever and that was because I was lazy or pressed for time, not because I didn’t have the funds to put gas in the car. So hubby finally put gas in the car yesterday. I didn’t know how much it was until today. A part of me did not want to know. A small part kept thinking that if he didn’t fill the tank I was going to be super mad and if he did fill it up I would have to hear about it.

Well, as I feared he filled it up half way. A half tank will not get me too and from work for the rest of the week. I am trying not to stress about it. I know that he is not rich. But on earth would he not fill the tank up. He did however manage to go to brunch yesterday with his family. Yes he also knew that I didn’t have food (dedicated items) for lunch this week. The way that he prioritizes things is very frustrating. I know that I am ultimately responsible for the choices that I made and that I cannot change people. I really do not want to. I just want people to do better.

In this case I think God should come first, family (specifically the three of us before extended family), friends and everything else. He has made it clear that his extended family continues to come first. Otherwise the brunch would not have been an issue. If he didn’t have enough money to fill the tank or for gas then there truly was not enough money for brunch.

My song that I am feeling is a old one. It is Cheryl Pepsi Riley’s, “Thanks for my Child”. Yeah that’s just where I am at this point. Does anyone know why they call her “Pepsi” ?

It's only a facade...but seriously

So yesterday I wore a suit to work. I also wore one again today. On both days I received compliments. I chose to wear the suits mostly because I was lazy. To me suits are easy because you just grab them and they are a complete outfit. I don’t have to worry about what matches as they are pretty basic. I know some people mix and match, but I don’t do that with suits. I keep my suits as one outfit. Top included. That’s what makes them simple for me. If I had more suits or perhaps more tanks/shells for wearing underneath I would switch them out. But I don’t so I won’t.

Anyway, the admirers caught me a little off guard. I seemed to get treated differently. Most of my outfits are slacks/skirt and a top. I will be first to admit that I am less than happy with my wardrobe. Nothing is showing, but my clothes don’t fit that great with the extra pounds that I am now carrying. The suits are not new. I have worn them a number of times before. I brought them when I thought I was climbing the corporate ladder and would be landing a gig that requires well suits. I am still on the ladder, but it seems to have stalled. I have to figure out how to reinvent myself even in this economy so that I stand out and move up.

So the question is do clothes make the woman? Yes or no? Leave your thoughts!

On a serious note, I am not sure if I wrote about this or not. Domestic abuse is never ok. Some people seem to think that women or men for that matter can do something to warrant being beaten. I do not agree with this. We are all responsible for our own actions and as adults we should know how to resolve our own inner conflicts rather than taking it out on someone else.

When Eve penned the song "Love is Blind", she did not do it just for Andrea, it is for every person in an abusive relationship. Get out! It's not of God and you don't have to suffer.

Psalms 11:5 The LORD trieth the righteous: but the wicked and him that loveth violence his soul hateth.

Zephaniah 1:9 In the same day also will I punish all those that leap on the threshold, which fill their masters' houses with violence and deceit.

Psalms 37:9 For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the LORD, they shall inherit the earth.

Malachi 2:16-17 “I hate [...] a man’s covering his wife with violence, as well as with his garment.” says the Lord Almighty...."You have wearied the Lord with your words.” “How have we wearied him?” you ask. By saying “all who do evil are good in the eyes of the Lord, and he is pleased with them,” or “Where is the God of justice?”. (NIV alternate translation)


1 Corinthians 13:7-13 (King James Version)

7Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

8Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.

9For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.

10But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.

11When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

12For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

13And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

Showing my hand

So I am a bit of an observer. There’s not too much that gets pass me. I often sit back and watch and other times I simply perk my ears up. I am a people watcher. I just like to sit and watch. Perhaps I should have been an anthropologist. Studying other cultures is fun too.

I recently heard something that made me think about my own life. Ok, the comment had nothing to do with me, but I applied it to my own life. Admittedly I can be a bit self-absorbed. There is always that nagging question floating in my mind…how does xyz affect me? Someone mentioned that they recently spoke to some influential. This person has the power to help this person climb the corporate ladder. That’s good for her.

I was wondering about the movers and shakers in my life. Then I realized…that’s the problem. I don’t have movers and shakers in my life. Everyone I meet professionally thinks that I am wonderful, but no one is attempting to move heaven and earth for me. And the folks who will aren’t in a position of power.

Oh the title. I asked the person if she was moving on. She wondered why I asked. I didn't want to tell her...show my hand. So I gave a vague answer. I am not sure exactly why I took that route, but I deemed it best.

I am wondering why folks need to share every bit of their life. Don’t answer that. I mean this is why I blog.

These are my thoughts, my opinions, my words. You don't have to agree, but do respect them and I will respect you!

4 day work week

The inspiration for this post comes from Women on the Web. I like that site. It’s a site for women. It includes articles from women I love like Whoopi Goldberg and it has a few things that I find a bit condescending. I found the site following Margo. I am an avid fan of her column. She used to write Dear Prudie.

I have not heard or read the speech, but I read that President Obama wants to extend the work day. Clearly I want get into how this will affect the economy because I have neither read nor researched it enough. Although I have only wanted this since forever, I do not know if the time for it is now. Now I am a mommy. While it would be nice to have 3 solid days of bonding, I would feel compelled to find another daycare provider. Currently we use a private sitter. She watches babe in her home.

While I love my little on dearly, I am not sure the daycare provider would find her so wonderful after being with her for 11 hours. It takes time to actually get to and from the sitters on top of the 10 hours that I would be working. Yes perhaps hubby could adjust his schedule so that a few hours were shaved off of that. It’s definitely something worth considering. Right now this is my only hurdle.

I am thinking about pursuing more education. I am not sure the best way to do that as my current education doesn’t seem to be paying off financially. I am having an internal conflict. Should I continue to pursue my love which should put us in a better financial situation eventually or suck it up and pursue something that would improve my quality of life right now? Oh the decision.

Do you Remember the Time when it was all so simple. The biggest decision I used to make was which snack I wanted when I was elementary school. I went to private school and we wore uniforms. Yeah this song is on the radio now so I can’t help but to reminisce. My favorite station right now is 107.9 WRNB. It is a 90’s R&B station out of Philly.

I'm tired but I'm working, yeah

The ties that bind us are can often be the burden that causes separation. I do not have many friends, but those I have I cherish. Today I told a friend that everyone stopped for breakfast this morning. I didn't have any cash and I am out of oatmeal, oh the aroma. Her response was that this is getting me ready for my diet. My response was to hit delete.

Sometimes I forget how sensitive I am about my own weight. I am not sensitive where I am sitting around crying about it, but I prefer to be in control of it. The comment reminded me that others are observing and sometimes it’s not always a kind observation. That does not change our relationship, but it does remind me that I cannot discuss my weight with everyone. I initially thought about going Monique on her, you know Skinny Women Are Evil: Notes of a Big Girl in a Small-Minded World, but I decided that it’s not worth, not appropriate and simply childish, lol.

I think that everyone has a write to his/her opinion and also has to be responsible for their actions. In this case my friend simply took liberty that she could discuss something with me as friends do. I find it easier to discuss my weight with folks are in the struggle, have been in the struggle or are capable of truly understanding it from both sides. Some people are not. Some truly believe that it’s just an issue of not pushing back. But for many it is much more than that.

Now that I know about five people who have had gastric bypass, I know that it’s not enough to simply not eat or exercise as I also know exercise bulimic’s. Food for me like some other folks is a mental issue.

Anyway, that’s enough of that. Last night I was trying to get my babe in her crib. Well getting her there wasn’t the challenge. The challenge was keeping her there. She keeps popping up like popcorn. Each night I pray that it will get better. I found out that I am definitely not built for crying it out. Perhaps if I did it before she could pull herself up or talk, it would have worked. But I didn’t; and now is not the time to do it. I am actually thinking about co-sleeping. Yes I will be researching that ad nauseam.

Oh yeah did I mention the wintry mix. I so wish I was home snuggling in my bed.

Oh my song, I didn’t forget. I would say it is Alanis Morrsette’s “Hand in My Pocket”. Check out the lyrics, because yeah that’s me:

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
And what it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

These are my thoughts, my opinions, my words. You don't have to agree, but do respect them and I will respect you!

Name that tune

If you have read this far you know that I love music. I like all different genres although I clearly have my favorites. Yesterday Luv and I watched Tyler Perry’s film A Family that Preys. During one scene Kathy Bates’ character tells Alfre Woodward’s character to listen to the lyrics of Lee Ann Womack’s song I Hope You Dance. I always thought that she was saying I hold you dear. I know I really need to get my ears examined. More importantly those around me may need to get theirs checked. All this time they heard me singing the wrong lyrics and no one thought to correct me. Hmm, I am now accepting applications for new friends, lol. SPOILERS from A Family that Preys BELOW!

The movie sparked a few conversations and some personal thoughts. I have always said and still believe that no one has the right to hit another. This includes a man hitting a woman and a woman hitting a man. However, when Rockmund Dunbar’s character his Sanaa’s, I was not totally appalled. I did not cheer, but I was not appalled either. I still believe that he was wrong, but I was simply not mad. Yeah I need to think more about this because everyone is responsible for controlling themselves. While hearing that your wife is cheating and your child is not yours is shocking, I am still not convinced that violence is the answer.

Another topic that is on my mind is; do all people prey/being preyed? People in relationships often talk about complimenting one another. Does this mean that one is weak and another is strong? If so, is the weaker ever looking to dethrone the strong? Can it be good/one be happy being either? I have not come up to my own answers. Holding the mirror I know who I am if had to choose one or the other and I am not proud.

Oh and on a personal note, I am not exactly matching today. Babe was up off and on all night until I put her in the bed with us. I detest this, but 1:00 a.m. is not the time to remember to remember the strategy. So I pulled out two outfits this morning: black pants and a black sweater with a faux white collar and gray slacks with red top. I was so tired I put on the top from one outfit and the pants from another. Yes I am wearing gray slacks with a black sweater and red socks. It’s not exactly mismatched, but not what I would like to have on. I prefer darker colors on the bottom and lighter on the top.

These are my thoughts, my opinions, my words. You don't have to agree, but do respect them and I will respect you!

No more

Separation

Ok, there’s a reason that church and state are separated. When I merged my blog with my journal it seemed like I would get 2 for the price of 1. I did not realize that my past entries would appear here, just future postings. Well that made me a bit vulnerable and it limits what I can blog about. Some of you have actually become “e-friends” hi Emeralds and I simply don’t want that much of my life out there. While I won’t delete what’s already here, going forward my blog and BBC journal will be two separate entities. I will try to write in both.

The BBC journal will be family and baby focused while the blogspot will continue to focus on whatever comes to mind.


Oh and yes I am cool with my BBC friends reading by Blog. Not it's not contradictory. If they come here and get madness, it's ok...you asked for it, lol.

These are my thoughts, my opinions, my words. You don't have to agree, but do respect them and I will respect you!

Your comments, thoughts and your opinions

It’s interesting to get comments on my blog. That’s something new. For those reading on blogspot and wondering what I am talking about, I have set up a feed to my BBC page. So I decided that I should get some sort of form to this.

One of the things that I used to do is include a song. It is either a song that I am feeling or listening to. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason. The song that comes to mind is Jasmine Sullivan’s, “Bust the Windows Our Your Car”. I love her melodic voice and the rasp reminds me of good singing that’s been missing in radio. However, the subject is not anything that I have experienced or hope to. Ok, well I once broke up with a guy and he called me a few names. My friend did offer to put sugar in his tank, but of course we did not do it. I will admit I am a goody two shoes. I have never done anything that I am ashamed of.

Hubby says I had a sheltered life. My dad is a preacher and I have a stay at home mom. So it was easy for me to do the right thing…I just didn’t have time do anything. My sister on the other hand, made time to have some fun. It’s funny. We are opposite in almost every way. I excelled in school, pursued secondary education and actually making a career in higher education. She got through high school and decided that higher education was not for her. She married young and has two wonderful children. I married later and have on daughter, but growing up having a family of my own wasn’t a priority.

It’s amazing how people can live in the same house and have different ideas of right, wrong, and what’s important. That brings me to something that’s been on my mind. I listen to Wendy Williams, yes the gossip NYC DJ. She put a question out there and received surprising results. She asked if parents who have more than one child had a favorite. 100% of the respondents said that they do have a favorite. Grant it her technique was clearly not scientific, but it made me wonder about my own childhood and reexamine how many children I will have. I do believe that you can love many children. But is it innate to favor one more than the other? Even if it’s not intentional, is it something that just happens? After you have so many does it no longer matter i.e. the Duggar’s? Nope, I am not thinking of having 17 oops 18 children. More like 3 if I can think of a way to deal with the whole middle child syndrome without making him/her the favorite.



These are my thoughts, my opinions, my words. You don't have to agree, but respect them and I will respect you!

Hello

So I have some how managed to eat more than I should. I have gained 13 pounds in 3 months. No I am not pregnant. Yes I have the test to prove it. I am just greedy apparently. No sympathy here. It is not a thyroid condition either. I have to learn to push back. I am still breastfeeding. Past efforts to lose weight were semi-successful. I lost the weight, but my supply suffered. I want to breastfeed for as long as possible. I do believe that it's best for my daughter.

I have added a feed her from www.babycenter.com. As I promised a while ago this blog will not be all about baby. She is very important to me, but I am more than a mommy.

Hubby and I are doing good. He is doing great. He's been helping and and just been awesome. We still have issues in the bed...it's simply not happening. I wonder if my weight is a concern. I know that he's dated larger women than me. It's frustrating asking him for intimacy of any kind and being rejected so I am trying to stop asking for it. I know that avoidance will get me nowhere, but at least there won't be more stress or an argument.

Through her eyes

Can you see the changes that I have been going through? Do you remember that Mary J. song? I sometimes like Mary. She isn’t consistent and neither is my lover for her. I will admit that lately her music has been sounding the same, which is definitely one form of consistency.

Right now I really like “No Air” by Jorden Sparks. I am guessing that I have not spelled her name properly. It’s not an insult. I simply am not that familiar with her music or her. I also like “Need You Bad” by Jazzmine Sullivan. Music simply does not move me the way it once did. I am hoping that now that I have a baby I will some magically rediscover my own innocence and fall back in love with so many things that I let fall by the waste side. Of course I understand that life is not that simple and thanks to the butterfly effect, some things can never go back.

She absolutely loves learning and seeing new things. Everything is new for her. She will not nurse with a bunch of other folks around. She is not nosy, but rather working on improving her anthropological skills!

So it’s funny that I left this off with me wondering if I was pregnant or not. Now I am a mom and thinking about having another. Yeah, life is sweet that way. I am not sure if or when that will happen. Money is very tight right now. Perhaps …

Gotta love the Medela

Ok so this morning I remember to get on the scale. The numbers have crept back up. I just don’t know what to say. The weight doesn’t bother me in the sense that I feel dumpy, but it concerns me that the extra pounds will make me sick and I won’t be around for my daughter. I don’t want to develop diabetes or any other preventable disease. I know that some people have a genetic predisposition to diabetes and some other diseases. I know what runs in my family and simply I want to run the other way.

I was thinking about my little girl the other day. I want her to be healthy and make better eating choices. This encourages me to breastfeed her, including pumping as I type this post. I am thinking that I want to breastfeed until she turns one. Of course this is with the assumption that my supply will last that long. Right now I am taking Fenugreek. I often wonder if I am taking too much. Specifically I wonder about the effects it has on the quality of the milk that I am producing and ultimately on my baby girl. With the supplement I produce 3-6 ounces of milk each time I pump. I pump at least 3 times each work day for a half hour. I used to pump before I went to bed and wake up each night to pump each for a ½ hour. I was seriously sleep deprived. And yes I did this in addition to actually nursing my daughter each morning, twice in the evening and if she woke up during the night.

She has started to wake up during the night. I am thinking about dream feeding. I am not so sure about that.

I WANT to go shopping. I mean I want to do a serious shopping. I want new boots, shoes, a coat, nice and nice fitting jeans. Oh this sentence actually takes me back to the opening paragraph. My wedding band is getting tight. So I don’t have a choice. I have to lose weight.

Guess who's back

Ok, so a bunch of ladies on the message board that I frequent mentioned blogging. Specifically, they mentioned blogspot. So I started thinking. Hey I have a page that I use to post on. So well here goes. I know that I have written before and never really followed through with it, but I am going to try to write more regularly. This is not a baby diary. I like to write about all kinds of things, my love life (sometimes the lack thereof, money, friendships, random thoughts, shopping, good books, my weight, and yeah sometimes my baby).

Although somewhat diverse, this blog does not represent who I am fully, just the part that I chose to share. Someday I might even give you a full face shot. I do treasure the anonymity that the web offers.



These are my thoughts, my opinions, my words. You don't have to agree, but do respect them and I will respect you!

She's arrived

My precious one has arrived. I have to post pics later. But she's here! long time since last year when I was wondering if I was or not.

Oh and...

I am not even getting any argh......................... Marriage without any form of intimacy (physical, mental or spiritual) is the absolute worse. And being pregnant and wanting some sort of intimacy is the worse. Argh maybe I am just having a bad time.

One day at a time

Ok so it's been a while since I have written anything. I did not even check what my last post was about. I am pregnant. Yeah that's a fact. I am happy about the idea of bringing a life into the world, but I am so afraid and yet I am not. I guess I should write I am concerned. I am barely making ends meet. H (husband) and I have been back together for a month or so. We were separated. I had some medical issues and he returned home. I think I was supposed to be happy, but I am not nor have I been full of bliss because of the great return. It was all an illusion and dream through rose colored glasses.

The reality is that medical issues do not change reality of what ails us. They simply allow us to focus on something else. Oh and I have never been what one would consider a mushy person, but why oh why does love blind us? V-day was full of gifts that I did not expect or ask for (Dooney & Burke bag, flowers, pregnancy pillow and we went out to eat a few times around that time). Clearly these things costs money and he assured me he would be ok with it.

Well now that the first of the month is quickly approaching money is bring out the issues. I like order. I accept that I have accrued debt, used services, and as such have bills to pay at terms that I do not always agree with. H realizes this to some extent, but thinks it more than ok to not pay them on the due date. I consider the grace period to be the time period that if the check is lost in the mail you can research it or the time it takes for company to post it. The full payment should be sent before the grace period starts.

I also think that folks should not hide behind their pasts. I am a keep it moving person. I believe that we should understand the past as it has an impact on the present, but it does not mean that you cannot change the present for a better future.

Ok so I am off of my soapbox for now.

My excuses

OK, here are my excuses for not writing. Simply, I am pregnant, 7 weeks 7 days to be exact. I am also soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. I am always supposed to be doing something and that something is usually not sleeping....yet I am always falling asleep, dreaming of sleep, and wishing I was in my toasty bed.

I have had a ton of ultrasounds since I was spotting. Yesterday we saw the heartbeat, yay! The doctor estimated it to be about 150 bpm. We couldn't hear it just yet. Yes, this was one of those transvaginal ultrasounds, oh the joy. I go back in a month...it should be a abdominal ultrasound at that point.

OK, sorry for the crappy post. It will get better!

The wait continues

OK, I am tired of waiting. I had blood drawn yesterday for another beta/comparison. Overall I am good. Right now sitting on pins and needles waiting for the results. I just called and left a message for the nurse to call me with the results...no I don't trust them to just magically call/dial the correct numbers without prodding. If I don't have a return call by the time I to lunch I might call again :( they should have someone who just does calls in the a.m. I know I am not the only nervous woman.

I was going to take a HPT test, but Luv said no...he didn't want to second guess his faith or have me get worked up over something that's not completely accurate one way or the other.I can respect that. But I am sooooooooooooooooooooo anxious.

Patience is a virtue that i am still working on.

One more thing

...Then I went to the ER. I needed something concrete. I had a bunch of tests and lots of U/S it's way too early to see anything, but they tried/hoped. the bloodwork says I am pregnant, but they aren't sure if it's the begining, end or if they baby isn't in the proper place. Tomorrow there will be more bloodwork and then a plan of action. If my HCG hormone increases there will be another U/S next week.

Is science really great?

Yes, I am pregnant...

...Yeah the three tests say so. The spotting wasn't my period, but rather implantation bleeding or my period all confused. All I did was spot...I am not a spotter. it's always heavy

I took 8 tests. 2 were too early. Then i took 3 on Sat 2 were + and 1- so I was confused...the third one measures a different level of hormones so that's probably why it didn't pick it up. So this morning 3/3.

We will find out for sure when I go to the Dr. I have to be 8 weeks...they want to do the ultrasound and listen for the heartbeat then.

And just like that no I am not pregnant.

Today I called the nurse after going to the bathroom and saw that I was spotting bright red this time. She said I am probably not pregnat, but rather a chemical pregnancy. I feel so loss, I was so happy. We told everyone and now I feel foolish. so incredibly sad.

From what I have read and been told I was able to detect it because the exams are better today than ever before. I guess that good for those who carry to term. They can plan sooner. For those of us who aren't it's sad.

BFN, so i am not preggers...

OK, I took a HPT yesterday. It was a big fat negative. Actually I took two. I knew I wasn't going to believe one test so I took the test using two different brands. So yesterday I considered a number of things. Maybe it was too early, why I didn’t have any PMS symptoms, what if there's a serious problem, will I ever have children and the list goes on.

TMI: WARNING!!!
This morning those concerns continued. I decided that I would try not to worry about it…like that was a real possibility. Well I just went to the ladies room because I had a cramp. There was a very faint pink color on the tissue when I wiped. So I guess my cycle is starting today and I am ok with that. We have decided that I will not get back on the pill and start, but not obsess. So we will see.

I have cramps, and I am ok with that. It means that we can seriously start and I can decide if I want to track temps, use OPK (ovulation prediction kit) or what. I will be 30 next month so I am definitely thinking that I should be a bit more aggresive. Because while women can and do have babies in their 40's I don't necessarily want to wait until then.

The ladies over at BBC and Parenthood are great! These are the message boards that I frequent so that I don't have to bore my friends with all of my ttc (trying to conceive stories).

Am I, Aren't I

Ok, I might be pregnant. Here's what happened. We aren't trying one way or the other. I was busy doing homework and didn't go get the pill. Luv went and got it a few days later and left it in the car. I am a "Sunday starter" so it was too late to take it. Well, we have been doing the do and now there are the strangest things happening. Yes Luv knew that I didn't have the pill.

I had cramps and started thinking, my uterus wouldn't be expanding so soon would it. My breast are tender I have cravings. Of course the latter is not new...you have been reading this blog I always want something.

So just in cast I have decided that I should take some vitamins and become more diligent about taking my folic acid.

I am uncertain about how I feel. Yes I want babies, I am a little uncertain about the timing. Things between Luv and I are fantastic and I am enjoying this. I am still in school, although I will be done in exactly one year. It's an online program so I should be able to trudge through/have something to look forward to since I would be home for a few months. The thing is one shouldn't have a baby on a whim.

And knowing all that if I am not pregnant, a part of me will be saddened. I am attached to the possibility I suppose. Well we will see. I did buy bibs just in case. I plan on telling folks by presenting the bibs, one that says I love my daddy, and a set for both grandparents.

...and there's no dieting in site...I need a well rounded diet. So yes it's healthier but not a diet. Oatmeal for breakfast and tuna for lunch, although I will need to stop that because of the mercury scare. This morning I couldn't even have my blueberry tea as it has ragweed in it and not suggested for women who are pregnant. Since I don't know I figure I should er on the side of caution.

Uncertain

This entry is appropriately titled uncertain because well, I am uncertain of so many things. Of course there’s the continual issue of weight. Overall I am content with my current weight if I knew that no health problems would creep up on me. But since that’s not the case I do feel compelled to try to lose weight. Yesterday’s weigh in was 231.8. It is not bad…it’s just not what I’d hoped for. This morning it was 235. Calm down, I know you are wondering what’s up with the multiple weigh-ins, well I was in denial about yesterday’s result. Now it doesn’t look so bad.

I can honestly say that I have not been following my own bootleg version. I have been munching like it’s going out of style. I discovered Planters nuts. They are low in carbohydrates, but I still went overboard. Also I had Cheetoo’s, and some other things that I should have passed on. I justified it because it was in the allowable number carbohydrates, but just not during this phase. So I am paying for it.

To fix it, I did something really, really bad. I used a laxative. I know. No I am not bulimic nor am I in denial about it. It was a one time thing. And I know I can’t do it again because it could make me dependent on stimulants or damage my digestive system. Not to mention the emotional issues that goes along with that.


The other reason I want to lose weight is to have a baby. This feels a bit like déjà vu so if I wrote this before, just go with me. My biological clock is ticking or as one coworker described it screaming and kicking. I want to be able to carry successfully. I know obese women get pregnant all the time and are fine, but I also know that it’s a lot for the body to handle. I figure if I can get some of the weight off now, then I would be in good shape for the extra weight gain.

There’s a very small possibility that I could be pregnant. I did not start the new pack of pills this week. And yes unprotected relations occurred. But since this is the first month I am guessing that I am not ovulating. But I understand that anything is possible as people who claim to take the people properly have gotten pregnant. No I am not trying to get pregnant, it’s mostly laziness. Luv when to get the pills on Monday and left them in the car and I never went to get them. I am weird about the pill usually. I am all about the same time every single day. Now I just have a take it or leave it mentality. I am thinking we should explore some other option. Not withdrawal.

School is going mostly ok, I am forgot to do an assignment. It’s worth points. I turned it in a day late. The professor’s is caring for a terminally ill family member. He forgot to post pertinent information. I sent him an email (and I am assuming other’s did too) to get the info, but he didn’t reply immediately. He replied during the work day due date of the assignment. I saw his message, but I forgot about it when I got home. So it’s a day late. I seriously doubt that points will be deducted, but if they are, I will just have to go with it. It looks like I was the only late person. Someone did there’s after 11. Whatever the outcome, I will be fine.

In October I will be 30. I wonder if I am too young for a midlife crisis. I have accomplished most of the things that I said I would do or I am at least actively pursuing them. I decided that I want to travel on my birthday. I contacted a travel agent. I want to go to Miami or Vegas. I was thinking about a cruise, so who knows.

Oh the song, I am thinking about Unpretty, but TLC. I don't think it's anyone else, but rather ourselves. I love me so I won't let another person or entity make me feel unpretty!

Terrence Howard

Ok, let's get this straight. A few days ago or so Terrence Howard's preference for women who use baby wipes to wipe came out. See the blurb here. So since then I was wondering, does he consider the Charmin Wipes acceptable? I have been using these and I wonder if they would meet his little rule. Actually it doesn't matter. I likeTerrence as an actor, but the stories about him always put him over the top. Accept for the fact that he loves his wife. That's just wonderful.

I am drinking Milkyway hot chocolate. It's really good. My job has a Flavia oh the flavors are soooo good. There's all different flavors. We have tea, expresso, etc. Anyway I think that I got my Splenda rush, well I should say equal. Although I am sure that the Milkway mix has some sugar. That combined with the nuts I got from my coworker has surely topped me over my carb limit for the day.

Oh the weigh in. It's 233 pounds. Yes that's the exact amount so there's some improvement. Next week goal is 4 pounds. I know that's a bit high, but if I would get up and incorporate some exercise I am sure it could be done...oh and lay off of the drinks at work. We had a water cooler, but now we don't. I am not a fan of filtered water and yes I can taste the difference. So getting my 64 ounces of water in has been a challenge. So far it's almost 33. When I go home I will get it up.

Remember that song by Monifah? It's been too long, since you've been gone....I like this song. That girl can sing and should so come out. Oh are you wondering why I brought that up? They were playing that on the radio. I am listening to WBLS, of course.

Oh if I am going to plug a station, it should really be one that my friend is on. He's going to be making big moves soon.

Tuesdays with me...

Of course I know the book was called Tuesdays with Morie, but I don't know him. I know me!

Ok, so I decided that Saturdays would be a good day to weight myself. I figured that I would have all week to make a change and that way I could use Saturday as a relaxed day. I justified this because I like to go out on Saturdays/the day I am likely to eat out. I don't want to go buck wild, because I know that it still has affects and I would spend the following week working off one meal instead of losing the real excess fat.

I think I am going to stick with Tuesdays and Wednesdays when I forget to do it on Tuesday.

Today I decided to do some homework. I am having trouble uploading my voice memo. I am guessing I saved it to the wrong program.

Since I can't get it to work I am going to do some home beautification. I am going to Bed, Bath, and Beyond, Target and maybe home depot to buy paint. i am so excited.

Back to the basics

So we are approaching the start of another school year. So now I need to get back to the basics. You know like that Kid n' Play jam from a few years ago.

My head is banging! I did not eat breakfast. I am not sure what I am doing. My weight has finally leveled off and the weight gain as ceased. I am now at 240. Yeah I can’t believe it, but it’s true. I am thinking that I need to return to Atkins and learn how to behave when I am in situations with less than healthy options. Atkins is still my plan of choice because it is relatively free. It is also easy to do. What I have to learn is to how to commit to it. Just because I have one bad day or even a bad weekend it doesn’t mean that it has to turn into a bad two weeks.

So I am getting back on my grind. It’s lunch time. I really want a Quarter Pounder with cheese from McDonalds, but that’s not a good option, even if I eat it breadless. I would also want fries and a milkshake to wash it all down. I will have a salad instead.

And yes I will tell Luv that I am doing this so that unknown corruption does not start.

I am not sure if I wrote, but things are on a positive swing. We are talking more and trying to make it work. It actually doesn't seem like much effort at all.

I was actually looking at www.hipsandcurves.com and Fredericks. So we'll see.

Hiding

I'm coming out! I want the world to know! Think Diana Ross minus the gay undertones.

Yes I have been hiding. I managed to gain all of my weight back plus 2 pounds. Yes I know you are wondering how can that be. Well Friday I went to the reunion. I did not take any food with me. There was only junk food there. Cheesesteaks, tastykakes, chips, juice and other stuff that I had no business eating. I walked past the exercise room, but never went in.

When I came home I didn't snap back either. I kept going. It was bad. This weekend I am going to the shore so I am not expecting it to get much better. Ok, I am still committed to losing weight thought. So I am going to poste my weight, hmmm 238.

Ok it's out there for the world to see.

In other news things have turned around for Luv and I. Thank God. I am happy and I have been thankging God for the turn around daily. Now I need to get back on my grind with my reading and worshipping.

Product review-Atkins

ok, I never brought an Atkins product before today. I was trying to figure out how they got the number of carbs on the package from the nutritional information and I can't. I think that I maybe counting carbs wrong. I know total/net are counted different and to subtract fiber, but I still don't see how they got 2 carbohyrdates. Either way, I don't think that it's something I would buy again. I am feeling light headed and dizzy. I think that it has more carbs and that they said or I don't have a clue.

I brought another bar too, I won't be eating that. it's good until Septermber, so maybe when I am home and can lay down if need be. Thank God, I didn't buy a box.

I tried to post the pic, but it won't upload, Arhg Blogspot, why?